|
The schmooze (pl. the schmooze) is generally regarded as the largest of all elementary particles which have been proven up to now. It reaches the size of a chicken and it life expectancy averages several nanokalpas. Its scientific discovery was denied success for so long because an elementary particle of the size of a chicken is difficult to observe, even with the best grid electron microscope.
A schmooze always forms when a black hole collapses. Whoever has had to deal more closely with cultural politics at least has an idea of how many black holes there are. Countless – and they continuously collapse and churn out schmooze. Our whole known universe consists of schmooze; even the vacuum consists of schmooze.
Ultimately, the age-old question about the beginning and end of our universe takes on a surprising twist: the condition of our world is already the condition of a world after the end.
The oldest documentarily provable mention of a schmooze, however, already dates from the 13th century. The Benedictine monk Hubertus Rabl (b. 1255 in Ampfelwang, d. 1310 in Regensburg) found a schmooze in the monastery garden one morning. At first he thought it to be a pumpkin, but very quickly recognized the true nature of the particle. In contrast to a pumpkin, a schmooze behaves in the following manner: if one doesn’t look inside it, it contains a core; if one looks inside it, it doesn’t contain a core. Hubertus also recorded this observation in a small treatise entitled ‘Tractus Orbis Cucurbitiensis.’ In this tract, he anticipated insights Schrödinger would first formulate 700 years later. Therefore, he is indisputably recognized today in expert circles as the actual founder of quantum theory.
Among his contemporaries, he found very little understanding for this. On the contrary, it was only thanks to the intervention of the Duke of Brunswick that Hubertus narrowly escaped death at the stake. He had to publicly renounce his bold assertions, and, facing a schmooze, swear to all saints that it was a pumpkin.
Hubertus never mentioned a word of it again for the rest of his life and first spoke the famous words on his deathbed: ‘And yet it’s all schmooze.’
This schmooze from the 13th century, as well as a rare rosary made out of dried atomic nuclei, which, for a long time, were falsely believed to be raisins, can be still admired today at the museum of local history in Regensburg.
|
